The Shakespeare Conference: SHK 11.1887 Friday, 6 October 2000.
From: Tanya Gough <
Date: Thursday, 5 Oct 2000 14:27:04 -0400
Subject: Titus Limerick Winners!!
And now....the moment you have all been waiting for.....The Titus
Limerick Contest Winners!!!!
<the crowd goes wild>
We would like to thank everyone who participated, and all of the
limericks we received have been added to our website at
You will note a preponderance of Lavinia limericks. This is purely a
Our Grand Winner, who will receive a Titus Poster and a $20 Poor Yorick
gift certificate is....
The winning limerick is as follows:
The ravished Lavinia lies bleeding.
Some timely first aid she is needing,
But Marcus, no nurse,
Instead wraps her in verse.
Too much Ovid, it seems, he's been reading.
First Runner-Up, and a close second....
(all runners up will receive a Titus poster, and our great admiration
for generations to come)
We mistakenly trusted that Titus
Intended to feed us not fight us.
But he fought us with food;
Chiron tasted good stewed,
But Demetrius gave us colitis.
Second Runner Up is: Markus Marti
Markus earns additional points for sending us not one, but two limericks
in "the original latin" along with translations. Nevertheless, the
following two remain our favorites:
Poor Lavinia, unable to speak
Without tongue could nothing but creak.
Without any hand
She wrote in the sand
But noone know Latin or Greek.
O, she loved her new husband, for sure,
Though his sexual performance was poor.
But to quench her demand
She had Titus' hand
And her other amour was a moor.
(Apologies to the sensitive set. Noah picked this one. Not me.)
Third Runner Up: Peter McCluskey
Old Titus was overly candid
When his daughter he reprimanded:
"Out late and so young?
What? Cat got your tongue?
Explain why I've caught you short-handed!"
Fourth Runner Up: Roger Gross
He didn't compose it to spite us.
Will thought all the gore would excite us.
He did go too far though.
He had to top Marlowe
And Kidd, so he stuck us with Titus.
Since there were altogether too many good entries, we begged and pleaded
with our supplier and managed to finagle two more posters. So without
much further ado, we present two more Runners Up.
Fifth Runner Up: Douglas Lanier
Titus Andronicus in five lines:
Doughty Titus comes home from the war,
Kills Alarbus to even the score,
Rape and murder ensue,
Plus a maiming or two,
And the banquet's got corpses galore.
Sixth Runner Up: Mike Jensen
There was a mean queen named Tamora
Whose husband really adored her
She had two nasty sons
Who were baked into buns
That to Lefty, the chef, were ambrosia.
Once again, we would like to thank everyone who participated, and
everyone else for putting up with our silly posts on the matter. Be
sure to check back at www.bardcentral.com/tituslims.html to see all the